How to find
by kendraCs
Summary: "Doesn t mean anything to you that I come this far to find you?" "Doesn't mean anything to you that I come this far to hide from you?" "No, no it doesn t. Because you weren t running from me. You were running from yourself. But you can t leave me behind. I m selfish and the only way I know how to love is selfish too. I won t let you go again" M for mature themes.
1. I Smile

**How to find…**

 **Summary** :…Yourself when you are broken? Well maybe it was a good thing Drew decide to trail after her and pick up the pieces May left behind. Because when she was lost Drew was the one to find her. He always did.

M rated for adult themes.

 **Disclaimer:** I don`t own pokemon. Though I did get inspiration from some scenes of Grey`s Anatomy, Gossip Girl and some fics I read a long time ago and I can´t even remember the names but some scenes got stuck on my head.

 **A/N:** So I was in a dark mood and this came out. My first tongue is Spanish not English so don´t be to harsh ok? Also I need someone to help me to edit, please if you want to help me imbox?

 **Chapter 1**

 **.x.-Smiles-.x.**

 _I´m good. I´m good._

May uses this mantra when she is feeling low. She believes it.

And for a long while it works.

Until it doesn´t anymore

 **.x.-.x.**

Teenage years hit her hard.

She is sixteen and she is traveling through Shinno region.

The glamour, the overwhelming shine and glimmer blinds her. Makes her feel like she is in a fairytale, but even when people in contest and outside calls her Princess of Hoen, she feels nothing like a princess. Like she doesn`t belong in all this glamour because she is only a plain girl playing to be something else.

But she likes the colorful outfits and the extravagant beauty, because behind all that sparkling fabric and nice jewelry she can hide herself.

"And our next performance, from Petalburg city, the Princess of Hoen. Let's welcome May"

Her ballerina skirt hum softly against her legs and her up do bounces slightly in back of her head as she takes the scenery. She hears excited screams and her name called in breathy voices.

She is self-conscious. At this age people see more in her than just her performance. She is afraid that what they are seeing it´s not enough. Certainly her performances hadn´t been enough.

It´s her fourth contest, and her fourth chance to get her first ribbon.

She is so terrified.

So she smiles and waves. And soon enough her pokeball is in the air with a flash.

 **.x.-.x.**

She doesn´t win.

An attractive girl with blonde hair and soft purple eyes dressed like – guess what- a princess- does.

She is graceful, beautiful and elegant. Everything a coordinator should look like. Everything she is not.

The pain when that girl accept the ribbon with a smile makes her eyes swell with tears.

But she _smiles._

 **.x.-.x.**

"I´m fine, I´m just a little out of my game" She assures the pink haired coordinator in front of her "Just like Jhoto, I just need to find my way and everything will come back to normal" She add a pretty smile when she notice the hint of skepticism in her friend eyes.

For a moment she seems like she is going to argue but just in time hold herself back and let it go.

"Have you seen Drew recently?" Solidad says, her lips brushing the rim of the mug she is holding close to the face.

She truly appreciate the way Solidad tries to change subjects when she notice she is uncomfortable with certain topics, it only shows how good friend she is, but this time she couldn´t have chosen worst subject to discuss over.

 _Have you seen Drew recently?_ A taunt voice in her head replay.

No she hadn´t.

A cruel part of her whispers that he had been avoiding her since their kiss in the last grand festival in Unova where he had won.

A lump forms in her throat and suddenly air seems like a gift that doesn´t belong to her.

And she know that the smile that draws on her lips is so little convincing, Solidad narrow eyes confirm it.

"No really, I haven´t. Have you?"

 **.x.-.x.**

May always laughs when people says "Don´t call the devil or he will show up" Sound a little silly, won't you say?

But this time she is not laughing because it´s not that funny anymore.

It´s only been a couple of day after her chat with Solidad and now she is in a different town and there is Drew.

Well not him. But a picture of him. He and his gorgeous green eyes are make the cover of _Coordinator weekly magazine_ look like a beautiful piece of art. Oh but it´s the _girl_ in his arm smiling and laughing with sparking eyes by his side that makes the picture so perfect.

The blond girl that had kicked her butt in her last contest.

The article says that they are dating. The newest couple in coordinating world.

A couple of warm tears fall on her cheeks before she is aware of the pricking sensation on her eyes.

 _Media lies_. She tells herself. _They always made up stories to rise their sells._

But before the stories were about _them_ , about her and Drew. _And they were lies really?_

On her way to the Pokemon center where she is residing for the moment she make up one and thousand excuses why that article is a _big fat lie_.

"Hi May, here, have your Glaceon back. She is healthy and ready to kick some butt!" Offers the nurse Joy of this town in a cheerfully voice.

"Thanks Nurse Joy" And the smile that May gives her in sad, oh so sad that the other woman changes her demeanor in an instant, her mouth opens in a worry replay but May leave before she can utter a single noise.

.x.-.x.

Mom is crying again.

She doesn´t seems to realize just yet, because the forced smile of her lips hadn´t fallen and her nonsense mumbling keeps going on.

But her voice is so hallow and her face ashen.

And her tears.

"Mom" She calls, and her mother stops immediately almost as if she have been waiting for it.

"You father is cheating on me" Caroline bust out and almost straightaway more tears shower her face. Before May can utter a word while her mother is a wreck of sobs.

May feels numb for a moment her own eyes wetting at the news even if it´s not completely surprising if her last visit home was any indication.

But it´s not the place nor the time. The pokemon center is pretty empty this late at night and no one is preying in their conversation. Nurse Joy gives her apologetic look laced with pity and shows herself out leaving the table she was cleaning half done.

She lets her mother break down feeling awful, not at her swollen eyes or red face. No she feels awful because she is glad that there is a glass between them. And a miles and miles of distance.

She can´t take her mother's pain because she have enough with her own.

So she smiles and says.

"Everything is gonna be fine mommy" But inside of her are part that are breaking and the noise of those shattering pieces shallows her words into nothingness.

.x.-.x.

May finally sees Drew after winning her third ribbon.

She is happily chatting with a brown haired boy that she meet in a previous contest –Kenny?- when her eye caught sight of green. And when she looks a little harder she finds his eyes fixed on her.

They find their way to each other. Like they always do. Pulled by an invisible force.

And she smiles, a sincere happy smile. But he doesn´t return it.

"You been lacking off" Are his first word. They are harsh but she can deal with harsh. Always did.

"Oh yeah, it´s good to see you too" She replies in a half teasing half sarcastic tone. Some part of her is bleeding at his words –Because at this point that the last thing she needs of him- but she refuse to show it.

Drew loses some of his hard appearance but something in him keeps tense. Still his signature smirk pulls half of his mouth up.

May feels really awkward and nervous, this is the first time they _talk_ since they kiss so many months ago… and also since that article (and the ones that follow that one).

"So June, how many ribbons you accomplished?" His arrogance is in full force but his hard glare tell her he already knows.

She stumble with her words a little before composing herself and admitting in an embarrassed tone what they both know. Her very pitiful succeed till now.

He grimace "I already have my five ribbons, so does Solidad. Damn even Harley have four. This is the way you want to call yourself my rival? Or anyone rival for that matter?" His voice is poison and his word are dagger plunging in the already open wound on her heart.

"I… i`m sorry" He must have expecting for her to flare up and explode, to bit back like she always does. But she is hurt and his words only fuels her own doubts and made her self-esteem fall a little bit more. He must have realized of this because his annoyed face falls and an expression she can´t quite place covers his face.

She manage to put the sweetest smile she can –Because the bitter taste in her mouth is gonna make her cry any moment now

"I´m sorry, I´m gonna make better ok?" The words are not fully out of her mouth but she is already leaving the scene.

She doesn´t hear Drew´s voce carry on after her calling her name. Because he doesn`t do that.

.x.-.x.

"Awww sugar cookie you really should consider a change in your wardrobe" Harley declares casually in a middle of a chat they are having after they cross paths in Floroma town.

"What do you mean" She asks before she can stops herself. She is not sure she want to hear what he has to say.

Cause Harley have a mean way of saying things even when his intention is not to hurt. And she is still not sure what his intentions towards her half of the time are. He doesn´t seem to hate her half as much as before, still sometimes it´s looks like that feeling still lingers.

"Just telling darling. You are a beautiful young woman now. It´s wouldn´t hurt to look the part" At her confusion he chuckles and adds "well I very much find difficult that any young man find that attire appealing. Only lesbian bikers would find it attractive" He giggles like a school girls "Maybe Drewbe-doo would wander his eyes back to you and stop spending time with that blonde bimbo"

May feel hot pain, like someone had just slapped her.

Maybe that why Drew ignored her all this time and then didn´t even seem to acknowledge their kiss. Maybe that was the reason he seemed to appear more often in gossip magazines with the blond girl.

She is failing as coordinator.

 _And as a girl also_ , it seems.

.x.-.x.

Drew wins. Again. Two times in a row.

He must be feeling in the heaven as much as she is feeling in the dirt bellow everybody feet. She was eliminated in the final eight. She had never end up so low nor fall so fast.

He is smiling brightly and just a little bit arrogantly at the cameras holding in one arm his big shiny ribbon cup.

She can taste just a little bit of jealousy –self-pity disappointment, yes plenty- but just a little bit of jealousy. She is mostly glad and proud that he won.

But then in one side of the screen something yellow catch her eyes and suddenly the girl who lost –the one he had fought, the one everyone says he is dating- steals the focus of the cameras with her stunning beauty and classy movements and before anyone can react she is _kissing_ him right there.

The flashes goes wild then everything than can be disguised over the lights in the screen are some blurred colors. Yellow, green and purple.

The flashes keep breaking through the cameras in stunning lights like her heath breaks into the floor.

And the buzzing in her ears could be the exited and surprised whispers and shutting of people around her – even his fans crying, maybe- or it could be the echoes of the falling pieces of her hope crashing in the ceramic floor.

.x.-.x.

She is strong person, she want to believe she is.

So this time she decide to face him.

She is strong so there is no reason for her hand to be shaking just inches away from the doorknob of the room he is, in the back stage.

Time stops around her, the ticking of the _clock is like thunder_ as she shut out all sound around her. Her heartbeat copies the sound of the clock and soon enough all she feels are the _tum-tum, tum-tum_ pulsating in her veins.

This is it.

She opens the door and there he is. She smiles and he give her back another smile.

 _Tum-tum, tum-tum. Faster._

Her voice is soft when she congratulate him and for a moment he seems like he has forgotten the way he lashed out at her hours before when she had returned back stage with the heavy weight of lost loaming over her head. No this moment with his clear eyes and harmonic demeanor she could almost forget about his disappointed glare and taunt words.

They have a little chit chat, talking about nothing but doing it like it´s the more important thing in the word. The talk in a way they haven´t in like feel like years.

And the she bring her up. The blond girl. _Her name is Tamara_ , he corrects her and that hurt. But she goes on and ask about her.

And in an instant the comfortable place they were is gone.

He grows annoyed and his irritation shows in his handsome face. And she doesn´t understand, she truly doesn´t. Because he is not giving her nothing to work with. He is speaking but he is not talking. _Or it goes the other way around?_ She is more confused, hurt, and angry _so angry_ , with every passing second.

And she truly doesn´t know what she did wrong.

Is because he truly loves that girl? – _Tamara,_ she reminds herself bitterly. Or maybe because she isn`t a good coordinator anymore. She lost, she lose, she always lose.

She is angry and he is shouting without reason – _why are you meddling in my business? This doesn´t concern you! You can be so noisy May!_

"You know I care about you" Is totally unintentional, she didn´t mean for her mouth to bust the word before her brain catch up the inadequacy of those words in that moment.

However this seems to make him pause, his mouth frozen in another shout and whatever hurtful words constricted in his throat.

She is strong, so she takes all the bravery she have felt and continues in the steadiest voice she can muster.

"You know… don`t you? So… why have you been acting this way all this season? Is… is because of her?" Her words are clumsy out of her mouth and something in the back of her throat tells her that she is about to crack. But she is strong. She is. So she lets the words float off of the lips. "Do you… do you like her? You seem to be spending a lot of time with her… and you… you kissed" Oh. Yep that was definitely her voice breaking. But she is so used to pain that she don´t acknowledge anymore. It hurt more because he is looking at her blankly and mute. "But… you have to know… know the way I feel about you, right? I made it pretty clear last season… so, I… Look I know I´m not as pretty as she is, and I´m very clumsy and I ate a lot and I always make mistakes… but I truly care about you… So chose me, pick me I… I..." _I think I might be in love with you_. But this time she can´t force the word out of her mouth.

His expression is bemused, bewailed and she can also see the hint of discomfort, maybe even _pity_. And that's enough to make her back down to want to take back everything she just said and put it back in her mouth and the close her lips with glue.

Instead she smiles, her best foolish smile and hopes her lips are not quivering.

"Ok… ok. That's fine. I understand"

 _No she doesn`t_

She turns and leaves.

He doesn´t care. _He doesn´t_. Maybe he is in love with that other girl and that is the reason of his behavior.

She is not going to cry.

She is strong _. She is_.

Only she is not.

She is weak. Cause only weak people thinks that they are strong, that they can carry all the weight of the world over their shoulder and paint pain with smiles. Cause only weak people find they are weak when they are completely broken, that like shattered glass their pieces are lying all around without connecting, without making any sense.

And this time she feels _broken_.

Her family is broken, so is her career and the hopes of love. It´s _makes sense_ that she is broken too.

This time while walking through the corridor full of coordinators and faceless people that wave at her and call her name May doesn't' smile. She doesn´t have more smiles to give.

But she is so broken, she doesn´t have tear to shed neither.

So she keep walking, walking until her feet hurt and her legs cramps.

She walks not run. She is not running. She is only looking… looking for something.

Somehow she end up in a ferry. To where she doesn´t know. Neither cares.

.x.-.x.

 **So what do you think? If I have at least 5 reviews I will update soon k?**


	2. II Colors

**How to find…**

 **Summary** : "Doesn t mean anything to you that I come this far to find you?"

"Doesn't mean anything to you that I come this far to hide from you?"

"No, no it doesn t. Because you weren t running from me. You were running from yourself. But you can't leave me behind. I'm selfish and the only way I know how to love is selfish too. I won't let you go again"

M rated for adult themes.

 **Disclaimer:** I don`t own pokemon. Though I did get inspiration from some scenes of Grey`s Anatomy, Gossip Girl and some fics I read a long time ago and I can´t even remember the names but some scenes got stuck on my head.

 **A/N:** Again My first tongue is Spanish not English so forgive my grammar and misspelling mistakes, I couldn`t find someone to help me edit this, (please if you want to help me imbox?) Also the chapter was going to be much longer but I think it was good to leave it where it is.

 **Chapter 2**

 **.x.-Colors-.x.**

What she find is not a beginning at all. Is more like that dream-like-place you drift to with closed eyes when you have nowhere to go.

News about her father spread fast and soon enough is what everyone is talking about. People buy magazines and newspapers eager to find out what happened to one of the most beloved gym leaders of Hoen. The gossip is so big that even people in the secluded town in Aloa- where she is staying- are talking about it.

" _Did you hear? He had an affair with a girl younger than him"_

" _Surely it was that kind of girls you know. I truly feel for the wife though. There is always someone younger and more beautiful"_

" _They said there is a child! Can you believe it? A child out of his marriage! How scandalous"_

" _Their marriage is ending up so messily, I heard that their kid, a young trainer, is stepping up to take care of the gym"_

" _I could have swear that they had an older child, a girl"_

" _Oh, she is coordinator, and not a good one I think"_

May just make herself tiny and ignore the conversation around her, as little by little color keeps _draining_ fromf her sight.

Everything is shades of gray, black and white this days.

 **-» «-**

When she first landed after days and days of traveling she had find out that she was in Aloa and there was still 5 months for the contest season to begin.

It was only a week later that the news about her parents divorce spread and part of her wanted to go back home and support her mother, hear her father, hug her brother. But when she had called, Caroline had dismissed her and told her to keep a low profile. Max had been send to the Orange Islands with Professor Eve to study.

Her mother had been protecting her children from the painful way media had reacted.

There were articles about her family everywhere, about everything. Some true, some false. Mostly hurtful.

Her friends had tried to reach her.

Misty – _even if they only met once so long ago._

Ash – _Surprisingly since they had lost touch years before._

Brook – _Fatherly Brook that now was some sort of doctor or something like that?_

Solidad – _Dearest sisterly-motherly Solidad_.

Harley- _Like…Really?_

Brianna – _She barely remember her but she had called anyway_

Dawn – _Witty, sweet Dawn that has kicked her ass so long ago._

And… and _Drew_ -She could barely think about that one without flinching.

She ignore them all and turn off her phone.

They portrayed her father as an awful person and her mother as a stupid woman.

She knows they are not. But some part of her is so bitter because _they were exactly that_.

They never talked about the happy times, about their love. At this point –where there lawyer in the middle, scandalous trues coming to light by both sides and acrimonious words exchanged- May truly believed that even her parent had forgotten about it.

May didn´t and perhaps that was what wounded the most.

Maybe it was only part of life. Love and forget. She was still waiting for the later.

 _Drew._

She loves him. She knows she does. But this love is nothing like love was supposed to feel, like she always dreamed when she was a little kid.

No this feel like falling in black abysm, a bottomless abysm. She feels like falling even though she already hit the floor. And it hurt, _oh_ , so much. But the feeling doesn´t stops because even if she reached rock bottom the emptiness in her stomach, the sensation of vertigo remains and is killing her, ripping her to shards.

Because when everything is going downhill she thought she would have him. But she doesn´t and so she sinks into that sensation because there is nothing to hold her back.

 **-» «-**

The girls in Aloa are so beautiful with tanned skin and slender bodies. Their hairs are so colorful – bright pink, light blue, daring violet, sexy red and shiny yellow- And May feels so plain beside them.

She can´t help to remember the beautiful girl with summer sunlight in her hair that stole Drew´s heart. How her curves were seductive yet elegant and how her own are not that impressive, she even feels kinda round in places she shouldn't. Her skin doesn't look as flawless as other girls does, and when she is the street or other places where are a lot of people she want to hide so she looks at the floor and pretends that she is not there.

Her self-esteem is so down in the floor that is buried by piles of dust and mud.

That is until she meet Gary Oak.

 **-» «-**

She meets Gary the second month she is in Aloa when she bumps into him. Till this point no one knows where she is, she hasn´t told anyone and had keep interaction with other people to minimum. So when Gary start talking to her she is half glad half apprehensive. They click in all the right ways. He is loud and exuberant, flirty and arrogant, sassy and with a brash manner that May find very refreshing. He is also very funny in a more dark-sarcastic way. But she can take his attitude and bite back because they are so much alike being so damn different

"Why did you decide to talk me?" She ask one day when they are having ice cream and she is stealing of his cone.

He chastised her hand with a playful spal before looking at her "I don´t know. I guess I could see myself in you. I don´t want to be alone either" He says casually, but she understands all the hidden implication.

She knows he is a famous researcher, one of Ash childhood friends – Oh imagine the surprise- and he also had his heart broken. Just like her.

Apparently the two broken people chose the same place to scape. How fitting.

Soon enough is obvious they are attached by the hip, where one goes the other follows morning coffees, late dinners, and silly old movies in lazy afternoons. And when he is around she doesn´t feels so lonely anymore. Drew is still in her head, he is like that annoying raw place in the eyeglasses that don´t let you see clearly, but you can`t take the glasses away because then you can`t see at all, so you`re stuck with this constant annoyance at the side of your eye if you don`t want to go blind into the world.

Blind sounds so appealing sometimes.

But now thing are better because Gary is there to give color to her days. He is like the soft brown of the earth, grounding her to reality, showing her a whole new path.

He is different than her in a lot of things, he likes partying, for one, and she never been in a party, so in her seventeen birthday, the legal age to do everything, he insist for them to go to a club.

She don´t want to voice her insecurities but he seem to catch on it anyway. And he is so understanding. So when he takes her to one of those clothes stores _–"Take this as your gift, I, the great Gary Oak don´t go shopping with girls. I mean come on what do I look like? A Gay friend?"_ -And she is only slightly hesitant when he shoves a black little dress at her – I think that will do, he says- When she is out of the changing room he is flirting with one of the workers of the shops so she only rolls her eyes and laugh.

The dress shows all the curves she didn´t know she had, is sultry but somewhat elegant and when Gary´s thumb goes up she doesn´t hesitate to take it home with her.

But the dress is only the beginning. Because after he is shoving her in front a woman that start working in her hair and her face.

She can barely believe that the girl-woman that look at her from the other side of the mirror is her. She doesn´t recognize herself.

"See? You are beautiful" The Gary in the mirror says, she can see his smirk in front of her and feel his warmth behind her.

Their relationship is not romantic, they are the best kind of friends really, even if sometimes she doesn´t understand quite well what the implication of this friendship are. But his words do make her feel really beautiful.

This is the first time in so long that she felt really _beautiful_. The first time she feel in _control_ just like when she was in a scenery making a performance.

 **-» «-**

The club is thriving with people, energy and happiness. She is truly awed and doesn´t realize that she is frozen in one place close to the doors they had come in until Gary shoves her shoulder with amusement showing in all his face.

There are _so many_ colors!

The lights shine in a dance of color that change with the music beats. Red- _bum_ \- Purple – _tun, tun tun_ \- blue – _ban_ \- yellow – _dum dum_ \- Green – _prum, prum_ \- yellow – _thum_ \- and all over again.

She doesn´t like to think in yellow or green. Because _her_ hair is yellow while _his_ eyes are green. And the ache in her heart. _Oh the ache_.

Just for that, sometimes she is grateful that all she can see are shades of gray in her day-by-day life.

But when Gary press a glass with blue liquid in her hand, and when she drowns it and it´s sickly sweet flavor hits it´s warm way in her stomach and dizziness overcomes her head, she sees all kind of colors, and for once Green and yellow are not that bad. They don´t hurt. Nothing does.

Glass after glass make wonders in her body and her mind and the more glasses find its way to her hand less and less her problems seem to matter. Because in the sweetness of her little magic potion there are no place for her mother, her father or _Drew_. And as the music drowns all her worries she find herself moving her hips and arms in synchrony with the beats of the music.

For the first time in so long she feel completely and totally unlost.

 _She loves it_.

 **-» «-**

May and Gary find a safe sanctuary under the neon lights and the fuzziness the sweet drink brings them. This place it's happy and nothing can haunt them here.

Here she is _beautiful_ and she is _free_.

Here the broken part of her start gluing together making something new, making sense even if only for a few hours before they are shattered again. But in that time her broken self is only a ghost so far away.

Here there is no Drew to drain her thought with ghost words or vivid images.

 **-» «-**

It have been two more months and the contest season is just around the street. She doesn´t know where the time flew.

They been traveling around, trying new clubs and staying long enough if one of them catch their attention too much.

Their dynamic has changed in all the right ways. They still not romantic involved but the walls of the prudency and modesty had fallen.

They start sharing a room, sometimes even a bed, since when? She doesn´t know, and they don´t mind too much because they only use it to stumble and pass out early in the mornings.

Gary holds her hair – _Long, every time longer because pretty girls have long hair_ \- when May is hunched over the toilet, those times when the biting cold of the tiles on her bare knees of the bathroom makes her feel dirty and stupid. And May caress his hair those nights when he start crying for reasons he won`t tell her, she never mentions noting the next morning because she know he doesn´t remember.

They also save each other when unwanted company try to get too close in the club, not that they reject all company altogether. Sometimes with her marshmallow senses and muffled awareness she find herself kissing a pretty boy, she almost never remember their names or faces but she know that they were pretty. As for Gary, well she doesn´t ask when he doesn´t go back to their room some nights.

There are limits they don´t cross, they are not interested in discover what is behind that invisible line they both draw together. Maybe they are just afraid to find out.

It doesn`t matter life is so good right now.

 **-» «-**

She didn´t train too much for her first contest in this new, wonderful region. She knows that early training when her head is still kinda dizzy and her thoughts kinda muffled or afternoon when she can`t wait for the night, are not the best way to train her pokemons.

Still she gives her best because she loves her pokemon and they deserve a good trainer. Also because if she busy herself enough with her attacks and performances there is no room to think of anything else, of anyone else and she can have a productive day until night comes and she can get back to her heaven where she is untouchable.

This new paradise she just meet gives her a fresh perspective and she tries to simulate the bright colors and shiny lights in her performances. Maybe this look like a new stile and technic for her, but the true she doesn´t want to face herself is, that she is truly just trying for her night life to mixt with other aspect of her life, That way she can feel powerful for longer than a couple of hours.

Gary helps with battle training and gives her tips here and there.

It´s not that she feel confident enough when she decide to go for the first contest of the region to get her first ribbon, is just that she doesn´t care all that much as long she can either celebrate a victory or nurse a lost in the night.

Paparazzi go crazy when they see her and the attention is so overwhelming that she wish she could taste one of those blue drinks and pretend the flashes of the cameras are nothing more than a pretty cacophony of color in the night.

They ask question she can´t fully understand and they shout to get her attention, to say tight about other things she doesn`t want to think about. All she want to do is sink in the floor and disappear.

And then Gary is there taking her away from the preying eyes hungry for her to make a mistake so they can bring her down, down, down.

"If they going to talk at least give them something to talk about" He says in a hushed tone.

The next morning there are news about her.

How she kicked everyone asses in the contest and won the first ribbon of the season.

How she apparently is in a romantic relationship with Gary Oak. They both scoff at this, and then a fit of laughter overcomes them.

Both news treated with equally importance for the media.

She doesn`t truly know to which of them Gary was referring to when he said she should give them something to talk about.

 _She doesn´t care_.

 **-» «-**

Her whole style has changed, she finally feels pretty like the girls on the streets and magazines, her skin is flawless, her hair longer and the constant outing and dancing made her skinnier, her legs are slender when she put on dresses or shorts, and her waist is tinier, even her face has lost all the baby fat she didn´t know she still had.

Her clothes too, changed, she no longer uses bandanas or biker shorts. Gary usually tell her what looks good on her so she can be sultry and enticing in the night and more subtle and fresh in the morning.

People like it, _so she do it for them to like her too._

People are not going to like too much this particular day though.

She is wearing a faded jean short, sneakers and tank top, her hair is messy and under her eyes are bags. She feels so ugly.

At least skitty doesn´t think so because she is nuzzling her head in her leg and pressing her wet nose in her calf, May absently pats her head.

Two day away from her next contest and she is out of ideas, her head still foggy from last night and her stomach constricting every time she sips of her mug of coffee.

She is sure she is _so_ un-pretty right now.

But this has to go away, she has to win her next ribbon. Because this is her third contest and could be as well her third ribbon to.

If she wins people will not care she is un-pretty, they will like her anyway. She firmly tell herself.

So she is unaware of the catune that is wildly gesturing to her and her skitty. However she have little time to be surprised before she is enveloped in a bone crushing hug by a wailing guy in a costume similar to the pokemon that is looking at her with wide eyes. She doesn´t understand what the hell the guy is saying and that make her head hurt.

Please. _Please_ just _shut up_.

"… And we were so worried, where…"

"Stop!, just… stop" She says, positively cutting him off of his babbling.

He takes her in, and he doesn´t seem all together happy to what he sees. She feels awful when his eyes scan her.

Back to _ugly_. _So_ ugly. _A loser_.

His eyes dries up and narrow in an inquisitive frown.

"Where have you been?" Ask Harley in a collected manner, his voice has not the usual high pitched quality he always carry on. And that takes her aback. "Why didn´t you take our calls? We were so worried!" He seems almost serious and that make her uneasy "with all that happen with your pare…" And then he stops abruptly, there must be something in her face, because he is looking at her in a weird way.

Lies. _He lies_. He _doesn´t_ worry. He never did. _No one never did_.

Harley green eyes are piercing through her. And there is the green, all in him is green and she still doesn´t like green at least is mixed with other colors and glimmer lights and loud music. And suddenly thing go back to be black again, and that's the history of her life and black and white and gray are easier to handle sometimes.

There must be silence for a long time because she can see how his worriedness increase. Harley is so expressive.

"What are you talking about?"

And he sits in front of her as he tells her that Solidad, Drew –

 _Oh god, why, why. Please no_

…and he had spent this five months trying to reach her. That they are worried for her…

 _Liar, liar pants on fire_

…that they know what happened with her family…

 _Everyone know, all of them_

…that they want to help

 _She doesn´t need help, she has she pretty color and fruity drinks. She is_ fine _!_

…That as soon as the new about her fist contest extended to other regions

 _Not because she won, she thinks bitterly_

…they took their things and came her

 _It´s not fair, it´s not. This is her place, this is hers._

He speaks and she is numb, _oh so numb._

She doesn`t listen because it hurts, the throbbing pain always pulsating in her blood, pumping constantly in her heart, that pain that dulls in middle of the pretty color and blinding light, is back in full force, and she is bleeding again, bleeding and _bleeding and dying._

He looks at her as she is a ghost as she leaves and she doesn´t find in her to give a damn about it.

Later May drowns glass after glass and her pain is forgotten behind the burning sensation in her throat.

However the night end up with the pretty girl with brunette hair sliding down the hard wall to lay in the cold floor of the bathroom, cleaning her mouth with the back of her hand and letting the tears wet her skin. She fall sleep to the smell of her own puke.

 **-» «-**

She didn´t win the contest.

But she can`t be disappointed. In fact she is happy. _Happily dazzled_.

Because yesterday she was introduced to this little white pill.

It looked so unintimidating but when it made her life positively burst in colors, and made her dance so gracefully and so free, the little white pill was a blessing. The white gave her back all of her colors and let her vanished in euphoria and it was pretty, pretty so, _so, so pretty._

And she was beautiful again. She was in control again and once again, _she wasn´t she_. She was better.

Even now when, she close her eyes she can still see the glitter paint and neon lights, the beams of blue, specks of red, lightning strikes of purple. All behind her eyelids and dancing through her eyelashes.

She feels how the numbness of the night slowly crawl it´s way to the day. And she is happy. And free.

And then there is Solidad, there is Drew and there is Harley. And she feels pain the moment Drew eyes connect with hers, she can`t read anything in them because the green is so overwhelming.

And _why is so Green_.

But then Solidad is hugging her and for a moment she doesn`t need her little white pill because she is Solidad and Solidad is warm and her hugs chase the shadows away. May hugs her back, because in her arms she can be a scared child just for a little while.

"We came as soon as Harley called us" She says taken her shoulders to put some distance but she is looking at her face with worry in her eyes.

We.

Right. _WE._

And _no_ , no, _Solidad why aren´t you hugging me anymore?_

But out of the safety of her arms she is no child anymore and with the pill in her system she is not scared either. So she _smiles._

"I don´t know what Harley told you, but don´t look so worried. I´m fine!" And she giggles goofly because she feels like it.

She can feel the calculating and unmoving glace Drew is giving her. But she discovers that if she concentrate in the pretty sensation the little blessing have in her not even him can bother her that much.

But he gets close and no, no, not even the remains of her magic pill can numb her feelings or made them pretty this time. Not whit how little of it remain running through her veins.

He is in front of her – _when did Solidad moved?-_ and she feel shame, there are other things but the shame overpowers them and pain because that's a constant so she doesn´t count it anymore. Because it´s pretty clear she is pain, right?

"May" He says, and he is still so beautiful that it´s not fair. His voice is deep and rich and with that world he is shattering her word into nothingness _. Again_.

And they are talking, Solidad and Harley are there too, she tries so hard to look collected, normal that she fails to notice what they are talking about. They are _so close_ to her, like they afraid that she is going to run and they would be unable to catch her if they are not with one hand ready to stop her.

It´s _suffocating_. Solidad`s soft and sweet voice, saying thing like she is talking to a child, Drew concerned eyes piercing her soul leaving her defenseless, and Harley wary posture like she is made of glass and it´s about to fall. That all she is capable to catch in the little pauses of clarity she has.

All she been working to do with herself is slipping through her fingers and she is going to break. This was what they want? They are going to _break_ her! _They want to see her broken._

They pause and Drew is touching her face, the concern in his eyes almost tangible and Solidad is running her fingers in her hair equally alarmed. Harley gives them a look, like he knew this was going to happen.

And just like that that moment is over because Gary – Dearest Gary - is there in the blink of an eye. He still seems to be dazzled as he put his arm around her shoulders breaking her from her rivals… no, no, not her rival she don´t _deserve_ to be that. She is _such a bad_ coordinator.

Gary barely register their presence before dragging her away "You have to meet my friends. You going to love them!" He exclaims and she is relived and right now she loves Gary so much. With a tiny wave to the three astonished people she is leaving behind she is out of their grasp again.

They are not far, she can feel their burning stare in the back of her head. But in that moment with Gary´s arm in her waist and her face in his chest, with another guys in front of her cracking loud laughs and smiling brightly, she doesn´t care. She doesn´t _want_ to care.

Gary is safe and their relationship is not romantic, they just do this for each other. Let the darkness consume them and put fake lights so it´s not so bad for them.

They love each other but are in love with other person. And that`s how they work. That`s how they hurt together.

Catching glimpses of the hard stare Drew is giving her every time she moves her hear to the left, May can´t help but wish Drew can see the way Gary buries his nose in her hair when he is laughing, or how sometimes his hands wanders a little bit while he is talking, and perhaps feel some of the pain she carries inside her.

She know that is not going to happen. But she hopes anyway.

 **-» «-**

She doesn´t know in what moment that girl star showing up in all the places she and Gary go to have fun. But she know that's the moment everything start to go wrong.

Her name Is Leaf Green. And Gary is so sad when she is around. May feels she is losing him because every day he seem to be slipping between her finger and she can´t hold him.

Yes physically he is there but still he is somewhere else. He start leaving earlier and always with a different girl. Never with the other brunette, but May knows this is her fault. Therefore when she is in the bathroom alone and no one holds her hair or rubs her back she curses the other girl with words she can feel and pain she can´t comprehend.

 _She is alone again._

 **-» «-**

She didn´t enter a single contest since her spiky brunette haired friend starts to drive away from her. Because she knows she eventually is going to bump with one of the coordinators that can´t keep their trap shut and start disarming her carefully constructed fantasy word with their words and questions; and how is she going to face that without Gary?

However she know she have to keep getting more ribbons. Because people love her when she win ribbons and will forget her if she stop entering contests.

Gary forgot her, _she doesn´t want anyone more to forget her_.

Because if they don`t acknowledge she is here, she will _disappear_.

The contest is full, and there is no Solidad, there is no Harley, oh if she only could be so lucky Drew wouldn´t be here either. But she is not lucky, luck left her so long ago, and so, here he is.

The beautiful brunette still loves him. Her love is masochist and always hurts her.

She doesn`t know how to unlove him so she does the best she can. She evades him.

All day she just keep finding ways to be away from him. It´s not that difficult not that easy, May is actually very clueless about his behavior. At first he seems like he is trying to catch her, to corner her; but then he is there everywhere she goes close enough for her to talk to him but looking indifferent at her presence.

And that makes her angry. Because he is _there,_ every fucking second of every fricking minute, but doesn`t do anything. Not. A. Single. Thing.

And she is angry, and she is confused. And those feeling makes her feel so…

 _Small._

 _Powerless._

Still, in the end she _wins._

Drew got beaten by someone and she defeated that someone. And so, one more ribbon.

The green haired boy – _Green again, that color_ \- seemed to be out of it from the whole contest. Like he couldn`t bring himself to make the right moves or react fast enough –and smart enough- to his opponent. She can tell because she knows him so well

May doesn`t want to worry about it but she _does_ anyway. And that constant ache in her heart jut incrassate, _and it not fair!_ It´s not fair because after all she`s done to make it hurt less and forget, just forget – inwardly she knows she accomplished _nothing_ in that regard- is enough with his crestfallen expression and his out-of-his-game attitude for her to be upset again.

Because no matter how bad she want _not_ to care, she still does.

Later in the day she sinks that worriedness with sweet fruity drinks in a dizzy head.

That night she kisses this guy she was dancing and having fun with so hard, because maybe if she does the eternal memory of Drew lips on her will stop burning in her mind.

She is not successful, granted, she had kissed boys before, this time her actions haunts her.

Next morning she wakes up at the pounding of the door. Her eyes are unfocused and her mind blurry and this awful feeling creeping in her stomach, like she did something wrong.

Gary is by her side without shirt, a shoe on and the other off hair messy and so far by the side of the bed they shared that she may fall off any second now. He is completely knocked out too.

And if he is here then who`s at the door?

 **-» «-**

Drew is sitting in front of her in a little coffee close to her hotel.

She really shouldn`t have open the fucking door.

His face is stone and his jaw clenches and unclenches almost rhythmical, although his eyes were a softer shade of green the moment she opened the door, from the moment he had spotted Gary in the bed his expression had hardened, his eyes particularly were uncharacteristic heated. An irritation she could barely recognize from those far between moments when he truly was livid.

Maybe he had drawn the wrong conclusion. She couldn't bring herself to care or correct him. She is still mild lightheaded and her body still tingles.

Drew is looking at her and her heartbeat is rising. Nop, she is too sober for this.

"Well" He demands.

"Well" she echoes, challenge in her voice. For this is the only way they know how to be with him. And no matter how many time she had already backed down, this time he is not winning because she doesn`t have any left to lose. Not while she is these sober anyway.

"Who's that guy?"

"Does it matter?"

"Fuck May don`t give me that!"

"Give you what? Truly Drew who that guy is and what my relationship with him is, is not truly your business" You chose it that way, is what is left unsaid

"Says who?" Sensing this dconversation was taking another direction. An unwanted one, she quickly redirected the conversation

"Look Drew my head is hurting. I don`t need this right now. You wanted me to come here, here I am. You wanted to talk about something, so please just do so"

He looks at her barely conceiting his shock. She herself was a little dumbstruck at her own bitter yet cool way to handle the situation. Since she was prone to lash out at the tiniest incentive, her reaction caught both of them off guard.

"Ok… just, ok. Look there is… We need to talk about so many things" She tilts her head in curiosity, this is the first time he is stuttering in front of her. He notice this and compose himself, and that is the Drew she knows always putting a cold mask, she loved him that way too "But the most important thing right now is you. How are you faring? You know, with what happened with you parents"

"Aw, come on, are seriously asking me that?" Like you really care.

"I am. Now answer the question" A pause "Please."

"To be quite frank at this point I don`t really care" And it´s part true. She is generally so numb that she can barely care about anything anymore.

"Don`t believe you"

"Why wouldn`t you?"

"Really" He challenges her. She doesn`t back down and keeps his stare raising an eyebrow to make a better effect "For start this" He make a loose gesture in her direction "is so out of you character" He glares at her shirt. Gary`s shirt she picked out of the floor before opening the door early that day. But regardless that he is scowling at her shirt she knows he is trying to signal her whole appearance, from her messy hair and short shorts to her reading glasses and pale face "And secondly, you forgetting May, that I have known you for years now and if there is something I can tell about you is that you feel too much. Too strong. This couldn`t just pass you by without having an effect on you"

"Is that so? Is that what you believe? Well then, please illuminate me, cause I`m seem to be at lost in this regard" She is getting angry, her heart picking up the pace.

"You are emotional person May. Your heart have more weight than your head in any situation. Don`t try to look me in the face and lie, cause I know better"

"Oh! You will have to excuse me then your great grace that apparently know it all. I had no idea had figure out my character better than I am"

"Didn`t I?"

He seems so sure, he may even be right. She hates him all the more for it.

"Fuck you Drew"

"Can you stop being too defensive and pick out a fight? In normal circumstances I would glad to humor you and engage in one of the silly bickering that you seem to like so much. But I`m trying to stay serious now." He is getting frustrated now. She can tell for the look in his eyes and the way his lips slightly purse updown.

"Yeah, because patronizing me makes this such a thoughtful conversation"

"Ok, fine. Please stop May. I`m trying here, this is not my kind of thing, I´m not the one whose good at peep talk and the sort this is Solidad kind of thing"

"And why are you even trying? No one ask this of you"

"No one did, that`s right. I`m doing because I care"

A red alarm goes on inside her head. This is an off topic. Maybe if she doesn't acknowledge this subject it will not hurt anymore.

"Oh, yeah because that so obvious. Could have fool me"

"You are doing it again. Trying to shoot me off"

"Well it would make well it you take a hint

"This isn`t you" His eyes calculating, his posture tense. But there is something else, he seems sad.

"You dare to come here and tell me what I am? Who I am and how I feel? Who the hell do you think you are?" She hiss, barely containing her rage.

 _How dare he?_

"I`m your friend. I`m someone who cares. And I'm worry for you"

"I don't need it Drew! I`m fine, I`m happy and I don`t need you not I want anything to do with you" May lash out, her voice higher at the end.

She is standing with every intention to leave but hand clasps around her upper arm stops her with a steady hold.

"I know you are not! There is something off about you, your mood changes and… and, look I know something it`s not right. I`m not stupid, I know you are not good dealing with your emotions and I know that you usually take it against yourself."

Drew`s hand drops hers. The skin where he had touched her dousing in a bitter cold that immediately spread all the way to her heart.

"Ok, that`s enough. I don`t have to stand for this, you have zero right to meddle in my life like this. You didn`t care before so why don`t you go to pry in your girlfriends life where you may be more welcomed and fuck off"

May begs for her voice not to crack.

This time she turns around a leave. However she can hear Drew calling her name but in the end he doesn`t stop her and he don`t follow her.

That night she doesn`t go out, and the lack of magic in her veins make her more aware of the pain settling in her heart and weighting her limbs.

That night she cry herself to sleep.

 **.× ▬▬▬▬▬x.**

 **Review?**


End file.
